Where’s my happy mood?
As I sit here and ponder life…the world…and time itself…
I realize we really ARE here on this Earth for just a moment.
It may seem long in the trials we face, but if you blink, it’s suddenly over.
It seems like just yesterday; I was a girl running barefoot in the country fields without anything to really bother me. Most days I was in a happy mood.
My grandma always said, “These are the best years of your life, enjoy them.”
I never truly understood what that meant, but Now, I do.
So many years are gone…I’ve lost those I loved…my grandma, my sister, my dad, and just recently, my mom too.
I have a beautiful family, a husband I love dearly and amazing (adult) children…
But still, that doesn’t take away the emptiness I feel from the loss of my original family. There is a gaping hole in my heart that’s just…empty.
I’m a Dr. Who fan and he has something called a Tardis. Actually, it’s a phone booth that’s a time machine. Anyhow, I wish I had one right now. I’d go back and spend more precious moments with those I’ve lost. But, we live in the real world right? No time machines available.
So, I’m left with my thoughts and what I’ve learned.
The way I see it, I can wallow in my loneliness and just be sad, angry, depressed.
Or I can look at everything that has happened and see what I can learn from it…
Do better. Be better. Live a better life.
I ask myself, what would my mom want for me?
She would be so happy that I finally started a blog…
This was my beautiful mom…
Did you know that she was my biggest cheerleader? When I was young, (and even when I was an adult), she thought I could do anything. No matter what I put my hand to, she just knew I’d be a success. I always worried I’d let her down, but in reality…no matter how many things I failed at…how many things I never finished, she was not disappointed in me. She just kept cheering me on.
Now, that she’s gone, I want to honor her. I must do all the things I always meant to do. I need to write, to put my heart out there. My mom always said I should write books. (I’ll get to that soon)
Writing has always been good therapy for me.
My comfort zone is hiding in the shadows…in the background where nobody can really see me. As life passes me by, I watch it go.
I’m determined to not be that person anymore. I’m doing hard things now. (Don’t we all have our comfort zones?)
Putting myself out there, writing, doing all the things I always MEANT to do. My mom would be smiling at me right now…and I’m sure she is cheering me in Heaven.
She gives me strength still. When I feel like I’m about to melt, I think of her and what she would want me to do. I think what would she do?
Then, I pick myself back up and carry on. She told me once, “you’re as strong as you need to be. Whatever you’re going through, you’ll find the strength to handle it.” She said that to me in her final days on this Earth.
I must carry on. My heart is still sad and I miss her more than I could ever describe. But, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and not be so weepy. Yes, I’m lonely. And I think it will get better as time keeps moving forward. I’m not positive, but I think that’s how it works. I think that’s where my happy mood is…?
For now, I’m left here with my thoughts. How will I make today count? I must take charge of my days and not be a bystander watching my life pass by me.
I think I’m doing just that… Doing hard things, taking action everyday on stuff that I’ve been putting off. I’ve wanted to have a blog for YEARS, but never really did it.
I tried once before, but gave up because it seemed complicated. I’m not giving up this time.
Also, I’ve wanted to change our financial situation. To have a life of freedom so every decision that’s made, isn’t dependent on the amount of money in our bank account. (or lack of money)
So, I’m focused and determined to have that freedom through passive income. That is my heart’s desire. And to help others have the same freedom.
Finding JOY for my heart and having freedom. Those are good goals and I remind myself every day that I cannot ignore them. I must keep pressing forward and do something every day OUTSIDE of my comfort zone. That would make my mom proud. She was always proud of me, but it would give her JOY to know I’m actually doing it.
Does that make the loneliness go away? No. At least not in the short term. But eventually, maybe. I have just decided I do not want to die without doing what is in my heart. And my health scares me sometimes. So, it’s a reality that my life if finite.
I must do the things now before my life is over. Because as I’ve stated before, we’re only hear for a moment. Then, that moment is gone. And we don’t know the times it’s going to happen.
The best we can do it live right NOW. This moment in time is important to me. Right now. This very moment. I will never get this moment back.
So, I will do my very best to make it count. To live life with passion and let my heart dream. I must allow my dreams to come forward so they can become a reality. I know that if I focus and keep my attention on one thing, it will come to pass. It’s not always easy in this life, as we have so many distractions sidetracking us. But, I will remind myself daily to keep going in the right direction…
These are happy mood boosting ideas I can do.
I want to be a good example to my kiddos that life is to be lived, not survived.
So many of us are just surviving. Because let’s face it, life is crazy hard sometimes. A lot of times. We’re not supposed to just survive though. We’re supposed to thrive… To have JOY and Freedom. To wake up in a happy mood instead of this sinking feeling in my gut.
What will I do today that will make my future self proud? I want to look back on this moment and know that I did everything in my power to make it count. To make it meaningful…something that will matter…something that will last.
We need more good in the world, more people doing what matters…
I want to start a revolution… a JOY revolution. What needs to be done to have JOY? To have freedom? And to grow closer to God?
I’m a Christian. But, I’ll be honest, when I lost my mom, I got so angry with God!
REALLY angry. I thought He let me down. I prayed for her to be healed…to have more time on this Earth. But, that didn’t happen, so I blamed God.
It felt like my best friend stabbed me in the back and lied to me.
(Ask me anything in my name and I’ll do it)
That’s what He says… but for whatever reason, I lost my mom anyhow.
I didn’t think I could move on from that… It seemed like the tears would ever stop.
Right now, at least I’m thinking about it all… processing the information.
I know I’m not supposed to lean on my OWN understanding…What does that even mean, right?
So, I went searching for help.
I’m in this faith group run by Ray Higdon. I took a leap of faith and asked him for help for my heart because I didn’t know how to move forward.
(Ray came to Christ in late 2022) And his faith group on FB…is here if you want to check it out.
One of his staff members sent me a very deep email…(Beth) She took the time to respond to me and I appreciated her words.
Ray himself wrote me back as well and gave me a different perspective.
After processing information from both of those letters…I feel I can move forward at least a little. And that is all I needed for now. The ability to see things differently, so I’m not all caught up in my anger and bitterness. I don’t want to be angry at God. I felt so alone when I didn’t think I had Him to depend on anymore.
I’m thankful to Ray and his staff. They care so much and I love Ray’s heart. He didn’t have to respond to me, but he did. And he told me what I needed to hear. In reality, as I look back on those last 30 days of my mama’s life, she told me she was fine until she found out she had cancer. I saw it. She gave up as soon as she found out. And looking back, I think no matter how many prayers went up for her, she was done. Nothing would have helped.
So, I’m here with my thoughts. What am I going to do with them?
I’m at a crossroads in life. I can take one path, a destructive one. OR I can take a different path, one that breathes life into my existence. IF my mom were here, what would she want me to do?
Well, I already know the answer to that. She would want me to live. Really live.
That is exactly what I’m going to do!
My hope and prayer is that you live life with passion and purpose… that you don’t waste even a single moment.
Love those around you… even if you’re fighting or you disagree. It’s not important.
Trust me, It really isn’t.
That’s what I’ve learned.
Grab a hold of this moment and hold on tight! Live it with everything you’ve got.
Make it count.
Make it matter.
Impress your future self.
Now is all you have.
In 20 years, will this moment matter? Make sure it does my friend.
PS If you need more help to find a happy mood, check out my happy mood cookies here.
Until next time… have a fantastic day.
`SusieQ